Anxious Attachment: Escaping The Jungle
Did you know?
Long before Amazon was an enormous North American company, it was an enormous South American rainforest.
Yes, I know. Insightful.
Now, when I say enormous, I mean 2.7 million square miles enormous. That’s a lot of land. In fact, the Amazon rainforest is by far the largest jungle in the world, covering 40% of all of South America.
With that in mind, let’s imagine that you’ve been given a mission: You need to bring a valuable package from one end of the Amazon rainforest to the other, while only bringing the clothes on your back, and a few supplies in a backpack. You’ll have to make your way through about 4,000 miles of jungle, where much of it is so dense that only 1% of sunlight actually hits the ground. You’ll have to cross rivers and deltas that can get up to 150 miles wide during the wet season, and you’ll likely encounter bugs and animals that have never been identified, because 60% of the rainforest has yet to be trekked by humans.
Are you ready for that adventure?
No? I don’t blame you.
I bring up this hypothetical jungle mission, because it might evoke certain emotions within you. Placing yourself on that journey sounds extremely stressful, unpredictable, and unsurvivable over a long period of time – because it is. The reality is, that while many people aren’t going on Amazonian adventures any time soon, there are many people who are in a spiritual and emotional jungle, and life for them often feels like a terrifying, hopeless adventure.
Many people grew up – or experienced a significant life event – in this type of jungle environment. There, they had to fend for themselves, think 5 steps ahead, and they never knew what danger would come next. For them, it was stressful, painful, and it left an imprint on their souls, conditioning them to believe within themselves that “nothing is for certain,” and “I can’t expect too much, because I’ll always be disappointed.” Some people may have not experienced the jungle in childhood, but may have experienced it when they went into the workplace, started a family, or had trust broken in any close relationship.
This ‘jungle’ that I’m describing is what researchers and counselors would call an anxious attachment style (Holsclaw,). People with this particular attachment style have experienced a large amount of inconsistency during formative moments in their lives, and it often results in emotional and relational instability. In short, you see relationships through an anxious, worrisome lens. If you have this type of relational attachment type, you might do and say these types of things fairly often:
You wake up in the middle of the night (or can’t go to sleep), because you said something awkward or mean to someone earlier in the day.
When things are going well in life, you find yourself not able to enjoy them because you feel that it will all inevitably fall apart.
You think that you’ll get fired from your job, or that your spouse or significant other will leave you at the slightest offense.
The examples stated above highlight several of the core fears that anxious attached people have, all of which relate to being abandoned, unloved, unwanted, and unworthy. Now, before you feel too singled out, this type of attachment style is very common – and healable. God, through the power of His Word, has given us many tools to develop a more healthy, secure attachment style in our relationships. It’s not too late to recover from an anxious attachment upbringing, and it’s not too late to get out of the jungle if you’re currently in it. Let’s look at some biblical truths and practical takeaways to move toward the pasture of peace and security in Christ.
What does the Bible say about our attachment needs?
It’s all about relationship:
The Bible from beginning to end truly is a redemption story of God’s love for His people. The story centers on God pursuing a relationship with human beings. It goes like this: a relationship was formed between humans and God at creation, sin severed that relationship, and He offered Himself as the atonement of human sin to reconcile the relationship. Christians are right to say that following Jesus is more about a relationship than religion, and the truth is, that’s how the story has always been.
God has designed us for relationships, with Him, and with others, and when sin gets in between these relationships, it always brings complications. The anxious attachment style is just one of many messy manifestations that can happen, where the ability to trust and find security in God or other relationships seems impossible. If you’re stuck in that zone, let’s remember these three truths:
1. Christ Doesn’t Abandon His People.
18 I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. 19 Before long, the world will not see me anymore, but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live. - John 14:18-19
And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” - Matthew 28:20b
Before Jesus died, then again, before he ascended to Heaven, He promised His disciples that He wouldn’t abandon them. Imagine the doubts and fears the disciples must have felt in those moments. They needed to be grounded with the truth, and Jesus graciously reassured them of His presence.
If your soul has been wounded by the abandonment of parents, friends, or spouses – you need a reminder of God’s presence. Even though the sinfulness of mankind has left you feeling abandoned, the reality is, Christ has never left you. He has never failed to keep a promise, and He never will. Let Christ reassure you with this promise - “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”
Applied Theology Tool: Try this exercise to put this spiritual principle into practice.
Identify the Trigger of Abandonment: Recognize the moments that strike a nerve with abandonment within you, and remind yourself that your emotion is likely an interpretation rather than a reality.
Separate From Your Script: When these triggers happen, just call out the go-to script that plays in your mind. Perhaps it’s something like, “I’m too much,” or, “I knew they were too good to be true.” Name that thought, and then remind yourself that it’s just your go-to script, not reality.
Script To Scripture: After you remove yourself from the toxic thought of abandonment, replace the script with Scripture. You may need to coach yourself from within your mind, using the words of Jesus, “I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.”
2. God Actually Likes You.
“The Lord your God is with you,
the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
but will rejoice over you with singing.” - Zephaniah 3:17
We often talk about God’s amazing love for us, but how often do we say that God likes us?
Many of us have heard the words “I love you” from caregivers and important people in our lives, and then their behavior didn’t match up. In another example, you might have actually felt loved by your caregiver, but maybe because they had the duty to love, without actually liking who you were as a person. With this kind of inconsistency, it seems only natural that they would wonder if ‘loving people’ and ‘enjoying their company’ are mutually exclusive concepts.
The good news is that God doesn’t simply tolerate us as His children, he delights in us, sings over us, and enjoys being our Father. And that’s not just a general truth - Jesus actually delights in you personally.
3. Grace Means We Can Relax.
When you believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, 14 who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession—to the praise of his glory. - Ephesians 1:13b-14
It is a very relieving fact to know that we can’t earn God’s approval by our own good works. This central truth of the gospel is, unfortunately, an easy one to forget. Many of us can fall into the trap of thinking that our value is dependent on how well we perform in any given moment. For many people with an anxious attachment style, trying to prove your worth and value to people has been something you’ve become accustomed to. You likely learned early on that you had to foster relational intimacy as quickly as possible, because you never knew when the opportunity would leave. When relationships operate this way, failure feels dangerous, because it seems like one mistake could cost you the entire relationship.
Thankfully, our relationship with God is not fragile like human relationships can be. When we believed, He graciously sealed us for eternity, and He guides us and helps us grow over time. We are so secure in our relationship with God, that we are free to fail, to doubt, to struggle (Welch, 2021). We don’t have to walk on relational eggshells with Him. Grace wasn’t a one-time event at salvation, it is a daily renewal of our spirits (2 Cor 4:16).
Move Toward Healing:
If you grew up, or have been living in the jungle for a while, you don’t have to stay there. God is willing to meet you where you are and bring you back into the peace of His pasture. It can feel overwhelming to realize how much your anxious attachment style has affected your relationships, but the goal of this article is to increase your awareness and function as a guidepost for finding your security in your relationship with God. Using the scriptural truths and tools mentioned above, work with a trusted spiritual mentor or counselor to find a new level of relational healing where it’s needed. You are loved, valued, and enjoyed by our heavenly Father through Jesus Christ.
Sources:
Holsclaw, C., & Holsclaw, G. (2025). Landscapes of the soul: How the science and spirituality of attachment can move you into confident faith, courage, and connection. Tyndale Refresh.
Welch, E. T. (2008). The small book about why we hide: How Jesus rescues us from insecurity, regret, failure, and shame. P&R Publishing.
New International Version Bible. (2011). Zondervan.
